Xenosaga Guide
by Rubedo Kukai Jr
Summary: Are you feeling frustrated because the ideas don't flow out of the fingers like they used to? Blame arthritis and carpal tunnel! But the most important factor is ideas! They just keep running away! With this guide, you can finally catch them!
1. Beginner's Tips

**Warning:** This is meant for the readers' enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. The tips given can help your way of writing in a sense but does not limit ideas for what can possibly be in the world of Xenosaga because fanfictions are all about imagination and breaking boundaries.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Xenosaga. It belongs to its respected owners.

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Tired of how you can't think of ideas to write fanfics for Xenosaga? Suffering from a writer's block that is just frustrating to try and break? Well, here is an array of tips and ideas for you to look at so that you can write the perfect Xenosaga story! You don't have to thank me! I went through a lot of trouble to trying and write this…and stealing strategy guides from random people…thank them.

1. Xenosaga should not be mistaken as Xenogears. Time constraints are different and characters vary greatly even though some characters from Xenosaga are based off of those of Xenogears. Don't put stories in the wrong place! It's like classifying Heinlein as a person!

2. Allen will love Shion and only Shion. There is a reason why he is always chasing her and no one else! Stop putting him up with Mary or Shelley…hell don't put him Jr.! There is a reason why adults can not and should not hook up with "kids." It's called rap…plus e.

3. Shion must always be bitchy about everything she is put in because she is constantly P.M.S.ing as in the third installment of Xenosaga. Complaining is a necessity. Enough said.

4. If you're going to make Jr. grow taller, you MUST make MOMO grow just as tall because originally, MOMO is just a tidbit taller than Jr. We want to keep things in touch with the original, don't we? Sorry Jr.! You are destined to be the shortest one in the Xenocrew!

5. Shion and KOS-MOS CANNOT be paired with each other. The reasons why?

-You will be mauled by chaosXKOS-MOS and ShionXAllen fans.

-Shion is a human. KOS-MOS is an android. Get the picture?

-Shion is a mom. KOS-MOS is a daughter. To have them love each other like a couple is gross! Family bonds are strong but not THAT strong!

6. Gaignun is the biggest pimp in Xenosaga. He must have **MANY** ladies. He cannot have **one** specifically. To do that is to only get killed by fangirls and Mary/Shelley fan groups. Combined forces of the two is threatening to the universe.

7. Mary MUST have a Southern accent. You will be going OOC no matter what you do if you don't.

8. Spelling is very important. chaos must ALWAYS be lower cased and KOS-MOS/MOMO must also ALWAYS be capitalized. The reason why is because chaos is a hobo and capital letters signify the things they will destroy. For KOS-MOS, targets are keys (all kinds), omnipotent beings, stupid people, molesters, other androids, and sloths…giant ones. For MOMO, she targets your mom. The extra O is the way the target screams in agony. Also, Jr. must always be followed by a period. Periods lay down the law…and finish a sentence.

9. Ziggy is like Cloud from Final Fantasy 7 in robot form. He will ALWAYS be a silent emo man. He will do nothing but live in the past. Him acting as anything else is just blasphemy. I shall smite thee with thy fingertips if thee do it differently!

10. Sellers is high on helium. Explains his "intelligence."

11. Albedo must laugh manically in anything you put him in like this: "AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

12. Sakura is dead and plus she can't talk in real life. It MUST be in the Encephalon and nowhere else, or else, it would be a ghost story.

13. You cannot have MOMO hate. You cannot have Sakura hate. Why? It's because they both have flower powers. Who needs SeeDs when you got flowers?

14. Abel and Nephilim will live forever. They cannot die. **Ever.**

15. Virgil must always eat Realian flesh. He cannot eat ANYTHING else no matter what you give him because he will just throw it up later anyways because he is bulimic. Have him carry an emergency kit for "fast food." Not emergency food, but for other sharp and killing purposes. Get my drift?

16. Matthews must have his "Caution: I am a Boozer" hat if he's going to hook up with a lady. It's his way of saying, "I am loaded."

17. The Professor must always be obsessed with big robots. It does not make up for his other parts that aren't big.

18. Monkeys own the Erde Kaisers.

19. The Xenosaga Bible in the third Xenosaga is something that **must** be alluded to when writing a Xenosaga fanfiction. It is divine law.

20. HaKox is the ultimate minigame. It blows Super Mario out of the water. Go get your stars somewhere else!

**Pairings**

1. If you're going to put Jr. with Sakura, he must be referred to as Rubedo. Ru-be-do. Sakura is way past dead when he gets his new nickname. If you don't believe me, refer to Xenosaga 2.

2. If you're going to put Ziggy together with Juli, they cannot "do it," because he has anatomical incapabilities. All of his parts are mechanical. Maybe if you rebuilt Ziggy with organic parts…

3. KOS-MOS **must** be put with chaos or else she would be cheating if she was with someone else. She is divine…or at least her "Will" is. We can't ruin that perfect Divine record.

4. Putting Jin and Pellegri together is like trying to mix blood with water. It ain't happening. Pellegri left Jin because he is more obsessed with his hair.

5. Shion and Allen CAN be together but only if these requirements are fulfilled:

-Allen is wimpy and has no balls (as in guts).

-Shion angry or going to be angry.

-Kevin dead and gone.

-KOS-MOS and chaos are dating. No interruptions!

6. If you're trying a love triangle between Jr., MOMO, and Sakura…do not do that. Sakura is dead. D-E-D. And if Jr. does not want MOMO, he must not want her because he feels he isn't good enough for it. If Albedo is inside him, use Albedo to abuse Jr. constantly. Also, MOMO cannot be envious of Sakura. She is sweet and innocent...use that to your advantage as well.

Did these tips help you? Call 1-800-I love Xenosaga or click the Submit Review button below to let us know about your take on this guide! So everyone, hope that those Xenosaga stories will pop up more and beat the other video games fanfiction count!


	2. Cliches, Pairings, and More

**Warning:** This is meant for your enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. The tips given can help your way of writing to an extent but does not limit ideas for what can possibly be in the world of Xenosaga because fanfictions are all about imagination and breaking boundaries. Egotisticism is very blatantly obvious here so do not be fooled and offended by it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Xenosaga. It belongs to its respected owners.

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Based on the audience's intake on this Guide, I have decided to up the content and delve deeper into the Xenosaga heart and find out how to inspire the fingers with fiery passion! Watch out, because it's going to get you!

**Those pairings that people just don't get…like me. Not that I have anything against them…it's just hard to believe…like Santa is actually thin to slide through roofs when delivering presents.**

1. **Jr.XAlbedo**- I honestly don't see how you can put them together…they're brothers! They are not lovers! Maybe if they were from the South…practically any type of marriage is legal…except for gays. Oh wait, they're both guys!

Advice: The only setting available is before the Miltian Conflict only…unless you make Jr. a poet.

2. **CanaanXchaos**- A program in love with a person? Ewwww….cyber sex.

Advice: It must end with Canaan getting a virus.

3. **Jr.XShion**- Someone, just rip my eyes out. I don't even want to know what is even going on with this pairing…

Advice: Don't even do this pairing.

4. **chaosXMary Godwin**- Maybe if Mary's last name was Magdalene…maybe. Personality change is in order!

Advice: Have KOS-MOS take over Mary's body.

5. **ShionXGaignun**- Stated in 1st chapter, Tip number 6: Gaignun equals pimp.

Advice: None. Has already been stated.

6. **ZiggyXMOMO**- This just screams rape.

Advice: MOMO is a president and Ziggy is a bodyguard only. There is no relationship going on.

7. **AllenXShelley**- Allen will get raped by Shelley fans so easily…he's such a wuss. Even if he do a somewhat macho thing at the end…but why do you think they would give him range weapons?

Advice: Barricade your house.

8. **WilhelmXchaos**- Divine male beings cannot have relationships with the other. It was established at the very beginning of time that man and woman were put together. It's written law.

Advice: Wear rubber suits.

9. **ZiggyXKOS-MOS**- I doubt this will go anywhere. They both rarely talk…so conversations are at best maybe, "Hello," "How do you do," "Let's go blast some Gnosis."

Advice: Shortest story ever written on fanfiction…

10. **ShionXchaos**- Dude, chaos is divine! He can only be with other divine female beings…oh wait, Mary Magdalene/KOS-MOS fits the part! Hire her! Who needs the P.M.S. bitch from hell!

Advice: Give Shion some meds.

11. **CanaanXDoctus**- Maybe…Doctus is a Realian who hates other Realians…and Canaan is a program/Realian…I think Doctus can really push his buttons!

Advice: Do what you want. I am mutual towards this pairing.

12. **SakuraXAlbedo**- As established, Sakura is dead…Albedo is stuck inside Jr…so they can't get together…yeah yeah yeah…or no no no in their case.

Advice: Get some parents and buy a trap.

13. **NigredoXRubedo**- Nigredo would probably kill Rubedo first before even engaging in a relationship with him. Missions are always first to an assassin!

Advice: Duck and cover.

14. **MatthewsXchaos**- If beer was involved…

Advice: Mucho beer…

15. **Jr.Xchaos**- That's like putting Christ together with the Devil…it'd be the end of the universe as we know it.

Advice: Read the Bible.

16. **Any Xenosaga characterXOC**-You can do this…as long as you keep the Xenosaga in character and their lover is dead…somehow. Plus the OC must match the personality of the Xenosaga character they are in love with quite well.

Advice: Good storyline always evens things out.

17. **KevinXAllen**- What, is Kevin going to make Allen a female fish for his obsession of fishing?

Advice: Send them to Gayland.

18. **WilhelmXU-DOXMargulis**- WTF?! That's all I have to say…

Advice: Forget you ever saw this.

19. **HelmerXU-DO**- U-DO is divine…Helmer is black. It just screams insanity.

Advice: Play "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake.

20. **RubedoXCanaan**- If you mix orange and red, what do you get? Something outrageous! That's what this is.

Advice: Sue Crayola for making the color of red-orange.

21. **ZiggyXShion**- Corporation problems…Ziggurat Industries vs. Vector Industries. Vector would just shut down Ziggurat Industries permanently causing Ziggy to go kill himself again.

Advice: Find a way to put Ziggurat Industries back on the charts.

Alright, I'm pretty sure I got the majority of the odd pairings that have been branded with neon lights in Xenosaga…so how about we continue some more on some tips now that MOST pairings have been conquered by me…behold my boot!

**Golden Rule: Do what this Guide tells me to do as it would do for me…even if it's an inanimate object.**

**Note: Alternate Universes transcend this rule.**

**Double Note: That means I am safe from my own rules. I did not break them. So flamers, you have been burned.**

_**More Tips!**_

1. Jr. has bad luck with women because he has lived with 660-ish clones of guys and the only other girl that we have seen, Citrine, is very…manly and a bitch.

2. The U.M.N is in no way related to the Lifestream in Final Fantasy 7 no matter what you say. Do you see the Final Fantasy crew traveling through the Lifestream at light speeds towards their destination? Nuh uh.

3. Joachim Mizrahi knows only to speak in Revelations. Example: "Sup, Joachim?" "May divine punishment smite thee to hell for your past transgressions of saying sup to me, you cretin!"

4. Jin is a hobo.

5. All the ships are actually large animals. The Elsa is a swan, the Dammerung is a porcupine, and the Durandal is a giant worm with wings.

6. Gnosis reek of B.O. That's why they look like they do.

7. The Realm of Imaginary Numbers exists. It's located under your bed.

8. Ariadne did not disappear. It is merely playing hide and seek with the other planets.

9. Alby is actually in reality a superhero of phenomenal powers.

10. You absolutely cannot rape MOMO.

11. The 100-series and Kirschwassers are all one big happy family…consciousness.

12. Space is a woman. Note Xenosaga II for the "Abyss."

13. The Testaments only come in four colors. They are not candy nor are they based off of other teams of four…Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for example…or Teletubbies.

14. Jin is the only member of the Xenosaga crew that is human. Shion is a demon from hell.

15. Miyuki can make **anything**.

_**Clichés**_

1. Religious allusions…we've seen enough of them! We have to deal with it every week…well, I do at least because I am a good Christian. I'm not dissing religion; I'm just saying that it's an overused theme.

2. MOMO's outfit for Xenosaga I. This isn't Cardcaptor Sakura! This is UNIVERSE RANGERS! GET SOME HELMETS AND RAINBOW COLORS!

3. Guy wants girl. Girl doesn't like him. Guy is super wimp and has no balls. In the end, guy gets girl after going through hell. Need I say more? I don't need to refer to names because you all should know what I'm talking about if you have played Xenosaga.

4. Bald officials…notably Helmer. We want cool-looking representatives…not old guys who talk about waves of consciousness or whatever.

5. Horsemen of the Apolycalypse…namely Rubedo (War), Nigredo (Famine), Albedo (Pestilence), and Citrine (Death). (Remember Citrine is actually a man.) Who cares? I don't see them blowing up the universe.

6. Children. They seem to be everywhere these days…but they're easily replaced! It's the grownups we need to save not the children!

7. "Doing it." This can be defined in many ways, but the most effective way would be the Durandal docking with the Kukai Foundation in the first Xenosaga. For everyone who has not been introduced to the "birds and the bees," here is your lesson!

8. Clones. This seems to be a real big issue. Would you like it if you watched yourself kill yourself? We are all unique individuals!


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